30th May 2009

I'm actually supposed to be sleeping now. 20 mins ago to be exact. 

My brain seems to be degrading. For the whole of today, it's been feeling like it's burning from within. I'm not exagerating it. And the fact that there's GP examination on monday doesn't help much.

I need to get out of this. I know it. I've fallen too deep into the hole of depression. So deep that i'm feeling numb. Or should i say, i'm spamming myself with war3 games to numb myself. 

30th May 2009

人不为己，天诛地灭。How true.

Everyone in this world is selfish, not excluding me. 

I want to protect myself from being hurt, just like any other person does.

When they said, "Once bitten, twice shy", I didn't believe them.

Now i do. 

28th May 2009

Hah, WK was right about the vicious cycle of ponning. Pon once, then a second one follows, and on and on it goes. 

I was just thinking, how people are different from each other. How some people are smart, some aren't, some are charismatic and so on and so forth. Ever since god-knows-when, people have came up with tons of measures or tests to sort each and everyone into different character groups. Ranging from astrological readings to personality tests. 

But even so, it is still impossible to find two persons with equal or identical personalities. Because of these differences, we are able to define ourselves as who we really are. If so, how then does the personality tests actually work?

To be honest, i think about these stuff quite a bit. I think about how people of the same personality types can actually be different. So i came up with this theory(to be taken with a pinch of salt) that a person's personality traits can be grouped into primary traits and secondary traits. Primary traits include things like, how a person perceives stuff, how he or she makes decisions, and so on and so forth. Secondary traits, on the other hand, is a combination of both the primary traits and a person's likes and dislikes. Generosity for example, is because a person likes to make people happy and from his/her primary trait decide that being generous is a way to do it. So, two persons in the same personality group may have the same primary traits but absolutely different secondary traits. 

All these are just some food for thought. And feel free to voice your opinions on my tagboard if you have any. ^^.

Wee

Ok sorry. I couldn't resist it. Lol. Anyway, i feel proud of myself. I finally managed to get an A for chemistry after so many tests. It feels great to know that my brain still works like the way it did in secondary school.

Meh. I can't wait for the holidays to come. It's totally impossible to forget a person when the person you want to forget is walking around in front of you all day. AGONY.

On a lighter note, we're having a holiday this thursday. Yay. One more day free of heartaches. 

25th May 2009

Went to watch soccer match today. MJ lost. Sadly. I lost track of the match halfway through the second half. The stinking shirt killed my mood. Totally. =X.

Anyway. I think i'm gonna stop posting on my blog for quite a while. I figured i could use a break from all the emoing, and maybe it would help. So yea. This is gonna be my last post for a very very long time.

I need to start on my homework. Big time. There's econs and gp essays, both due weeks ago, physics assignments, given not long after the above, and the list goes on. Lol. HOMEWORK. God damn it.

The other day, Ms S, my econs tutor, said that in MJ, if you're the type that is smart and don't study, you'll screw up damn badly, because all MJ does is give model answers for you to memorise. I'm not saying i am very smart, but the fact is that, i hate doing homework, it screws me up. =X. I mean, hell, like my mom said, i made it through 10 years of education without doing homework. Meh. And they ask me why i hate MJ so much.

Sorry

Hey guys, i'm sorry i've been acting so depressed lately. It's just that, too many things happened at the wrong time. So yea, give me some time alright? I'll get out of it, i promise.

Efff

I'm at the extreme end of exhausted. How in the freaking world did things ever turn out this way?

I'm really really tired. Of this. And that. Of everything. 

I feel like a tree stripped of it's branches. Naked and insecure.

If things aren't getting any better, then too bad. I don't want to care anymore. It's too tiring.

Why can't i be a bastard? A bastard wouldn't care about what i'm caring now, and probably wouldn't be as spent as i am now.

I don't think i can hold on anymore. And i can't hold the tears back for much longer.

Funny how i'm actually supposed to break down because of studies, when it's the least of my troubles now.

I don't see how i will be able to trust anybody now. Or have faith in anything, for that matter.

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to help me get out of this. And most of all, i need reasurrence. Loads and loads of it.

Just when i thought i was getting out of the pit.

21st May 2009

I'm frustrated. And the heartache isn't helping.

To be honest, i have enough problems of my own. And i seriously don't need this now. You still don't understand where the problem lies. I've said this a lot of times, and i'm going to say it once more, this is not a problem of whether or not i, or we, for that matter, am calculative. This is a matter of basic courtesy. When you're late, you don't stroll. It doesn't matter whether you're late by minutes or seconds. The fact is you're late, so you don't stroll and walk like you have all the time in the world. It just shows how much you're taking this for granted. 

Like you said, it's only a matter of seconds, and the fact that we'll be later by a few more seconds doesn't exactly bother me. It's the attitude. It's like you're taking it for granted. Like it's perfectly normal for us to wait for you. It may not be what you're thinking, but that's what your action shows.

Don't argue with me, not now anyway, with the state of mind you're in now. You'll probably agree with none of what i just said, because you'll listen to no one but yourself. Trust me, i've been there. Go calm yourself down and think about what i said.

--------------------------------------------------

You've went overboard.

20th May 2009

The physics SPA today was disastrous. Ok i didn't really screw up, but the thing is, i was shaking, again. Real bad. No idea why. It's been so long since i last shaked during an examination. Well, doesn't matter i guess. It's over anyway.

I think i suck at this. The feeling when i try not to look at her when she walks past is excruciating. I can't describe how tempted i am to look back into that face again, that pair of intriguing eyes. I swear, i've never looked forward to the June holidays as much as i do now. It wasn't nearly as bad the other time.

Ed and me were talking about how much the TK gang has screwed up our social life. I can't say i regretted it, but the thing is, if i hadn't been so emo last year, maybe i would have gotten to know the class better, and probably, her too. But oh well, what's done cannot be undone. And what's not done cannot be done. Life has to go on i guess, somehow.

Roar

I'm sian-ed. I can't draw a werewolf. ROAR. And i have physics SPA tomorrow. That sucks. 

Well, i guess there's one thing to be happy about. My brain cells are gradually coming back. Emphasis on Gradually. For the past few days, my brain hasn't exactly been working as well as i want it too. I mean come on, i had trouble remembering how to describe the structure of Sodium. Like, how bad was that.

Things are getting slightly better. Slightly. I don't know how long it'll take for the effect to be completely gone though. I'm estimating never. 

Breathe man. Breathe.

I've been shaking for the whole day. I haven't been able to stabilize my body, or my heart for that matter, for the whole of today. Not even during the breaks when she wasn't there, nor did it get better when i was alone, on the way home.

I don't think i'll ever be able to look straight into that pair of eyes again. That pair of eyes, so normal, yet so unique. I don't think i'll ever be able to forget that face, with its sincerity, when she was sincerely enjoying talking to me.

I did a facebook quiz the other day, and it asked me what i would like for a present. I'd put "anything" as my answer, but now, i realise, what i really want, is a brainwashing machine.

One more thing, please stop asking me who the girl is. There's a reason why i didn't put her name into my blog. So please. Don't even try to guess who it is. It's pure annoying. It's like you're taking this as a joke, and i don't like it.

Sigh..

I feel guilty all of a sudden, feel like i went overboard just now. Too harsh maybe. Blinded by my own anger. Oh well, nothing i can do anyway. 

There's a part of me, hidden somewhere in my throbbing brain, that tells me that i'm missing something, something important. And yet i can't say what. But well, like i said earlier, i'm too tired of it to even bother. I've been tied to this crap for a period far too long, and maybe it's time to let go of things.

BD was right, there's no point hanging onto this half-detached branch. No point trying to save the branch which is already beyond salvation. Now the tree has to move on with life, and hope that someday, another branch will grow in its place, to cover the wound that the tree has suffered. 

I have no idea how i'm gonna face her in school anymore, or how she's gonna face me. It's gonna be tough, very tough, and yet, i'll try. Even if it's gonna hurt a lot, and i'm pretty sure it will.

17th May 2009

I just realised, that she removed me from her friendlist in FB, and probably blocked me on hotmail too.

I'm stunned. Big time.

What in the world is that supposed to mean?

We can't even be friends now?

And what am i supposed to do?

Just act retarded and pretend like I don't know about it?

That's impossible man. So damn impossible.

Damn it.

Someone tell me what to do. Fast.

Before i end up doing something stupid.

------------------------------------------

I give up.

I'm utterly unconvinced.

And yet, there's nothing i can do.

If she wants it this way, then it's staying this way.

I'm spent, tired, exhausted.

No more of this for me.

It's over and done with.

I'm going to sleep now.

When i wake up, i'll remember that i have a bunch of good friends, a good family.

And that's all that i will need.

And all that i will have.

All that i need to know.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Hang on, me.

----------------------------------

A part of me tells me not to give up.

Yet the other tells me, as if that i don't know it yet, that i'm too tired for any more.

"Don't think too much about it", huh?

Sounds so damn easy.

Meh

I'm surprised at how much a girl's mood can change. Or should i say, swing. Before today, i've always thought that i was good at figuring out what people had in their mind, or maybe their intent of doing everything. Sad to say, i've finally met my match. 

Until now, nothing still seems to make any sense at all. It's getting kind of annoying, to be honest. 

Oh wells, on a lighter note, 

Wahaha. Love you bd. XD.

Drawing, huh?

I didn't go to school today. Had a major headache. So yea, lol. 

This afternoon i was stoning in front of my laptop, and i remembered that i haven't drawn a proper picture in months, two years to be exact. So i went searching for some pictures and decided to draw Flash. It ended up pretty well, and it served it's purpose of distracting me. So here it is: 

Trademarked by WX. XD.

New Moon

Ok, i'll admit, i'm hurt. Apparently i'm still pretty affected by that fact, and the degree seems to be growing exponentially. And they said time could heal wounds. Right.

I was reading New Moon just now, bad choice, i know, but i don't think i had much of a choice to begin with. Well, the entire purpose of reading was to distract me from thinking of stupid stuff, and, i can only say, it didn't work as well as i thought it would have. Throughout the whole of the two chapters i was skimming through, and on several occasions i had to go back a few paragraphs to at least keep track of what was happening. 

I'm spent, big time. I could swear on my life that this is probably the first time a girl managed to make me so damn emotional for so long. I'm going to need help soon. I know it.

Spot on

I guess i was right the other day. 

For the whole of today i was trying to stop myself from going down the same emo road again. It wasn't half as easy as i thought it would be. In the first place, i didn't think it was gonna be easy.

I'm annoyingly stunned by how scary a women's mind can get, which is pretty scary from what i've come to realise.

I've been thinking of it for the past few days. And i realised i have two choices. One, to remain as status quo and hope that one day i won't be affected anymore. Two, to confront her and, i don't know, try to salvage the situation. The latter seems extremely tempting, although one wrong move may just worsen the situation a lot worse.

Lost, again.

X-Men:Origins

Watched X-men:Origins today. Not bad, but not good either. Nothing new, and i wasn't exactly interested in how Wolverine came about. So yea, boring to me. Lol.

I realised that sometimes, i can be a real tard. Mostly when i'm nervous or tense actually. And mind you, it happens quite a lot. Especially around some girls. I guess i'm still a guy after all huh.

Anyway, back to the fact that i can be a real tard sometimes. I mean, like, i start talking crap whenever i get tense, like seriously crap. C-R-A-P. =X. It's mostly annoying to be honest. How i always lose track of what i want to say in the first place. Damn it.

I need to find a way to relax myself around girls. Some girls actually, others are ok. Apparently breathing doesn't work as well as i thought it would. XD. Oh wells. 

Got to pull myself out of the pit, fast.

Better

I can't believe i played the whole day today. XD. I swear i actually WANTED to study in the afternoon. Oh wells. ^^.

Anyways. I was just fantasizing about having super powers and everything. Pardon me but i do that sometimes. Actually quite a lot. XD. Maybe its the fictional series that i've been watching. 

I was just wondering, how cool it would be to have wings, or maybe the ability to shape shift, into other animals. Like Angel from X-men, Beastboy from TT. 

It'd be cool wouldn't it? Being able to fly whenever you want. Being able to turn into any animal you want at any time.

Pitfall

I woke up feeling much better today. The heartache was miraculously gone. Though the brain still processes like marshmallows. 

I guess i let myself fall in too deep. Something that happens a little too much in my life. Now i guess i'll have to pull myself back up and out of the pit all over again. Tough task, but not impossible.

There's still this fear in my mind though. The fear that when i get back to school the feeling will return, because i see you trying to avoid me again. Two more days for me to enjoy life without heartaches then. 

Choice

To have a person ignore you completely is something that is extremely terrible. To have a person that tries to avoid you is something that's worse.

I don't want you to act like this, because it's torturous. I don't even need you to take me as a good friend, just even a friend would suffice, someone that you can joke with, and not try to avoid every single time. Why can't you be the same as before? Wasn't it good then? No barriers, no unhappiness, no nothing, just pure friends. Is it really that hard?

Is it really?

Time alone

I was wondering what did people mean when they said they felt sad. Is it like what i am feeling now? Sadness? Is it supposed to feel this way? Or is it something else?

People always say they are feeling sad. But how do they what they're feeling is really sadness? Why can't it be something else? Anger maybe? Hopelessness? Who knows for sure?

My heart has been feeling annoyingly weird ever since god knows when. It's almost impossible to describe. My brain, maybe collaborating with my heart or something close to that, has been working like its made of marshmallows. It sucks to be honest, so much that it feels like immense torture mostly.

I was contemplating whether or not to leave the house and go to some quiet park or something, where i could really sit down and clear my mind. I would have, actually, if i had found a place to go. Unfortunately, i couldn't. 

Sometimes i really wish i could turn back time, so that i wouldn't have done all the retarded stuff that i did, so i wouldn't have to regret now. 

Bleh

My brain doesn't seem to be working as well nowadays. Most of the time it goes "ASDUJXZVBYDASKJWEUHASDJ", on the better days it goes "ASDJIXZCZX Binomail Distribution SAKDJZUXCB Electrochem XZCIJASDNASK E=mc^2 SADUS".

I'm a pessimist, and i realised that a long time ago. That's why i like to joke, to think of life as a joke, mostly. So that my mind has something else to think about rather than emoing. Its ironic really. How a clown like me is a pessimist.

I read this book series when i was young, Animorphs. There was this character, Marco, whom i got this motto from. He was a pessimist too, and had a pretty sad life to go along with, and the only thing that was keeping him from going insane was the fact that he looked at life as much of a joke. Funny how i managed to remember that.

Not to show off or anything, but i believe that my sensitivity is rather high for a guy. Actually, i would much rather be a insensitive tard. I know when a person is feeling down, feeling annoyed, unhappy, or upset. And sometimes, when i realise the problem is caused by me, i get frustrated, really frustrated. 

But, i guess theres nothing much to be done about that. Life was never fair to start with.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

用起伏的背影挡住哭泣的心
有些故事不必说给每个人听
许多眼睛看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见那个自己

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

Swine Flew!!!

Don't even ask how my post title came about. It's too lame to be true XD. Anyhow, i guess i'm feeling fine now. Been better, but not that bad as it was. 

I watched dragonballz evolution yesterday, and the moment the dragon disappeared i realised that i was regretting wasting 2 hours of my life. XD. 

School was good, and the afternoon naps(chem lecture) helped quite a bit. Still sleepy now though, guess i'll go read through SPA once or twice before going to sleep. 

One more thing, the stupid advertisment on Channel 5 about the superhero movies is stuck in my head. Epic lameness. 

Red and yellow and, pink and green, purple and, orange and, blluueee. I can see the rainbooww, the raiiinbooow.... 

Don't know how to continue XD. Alright. Chem SPA time. ^^.

Something

I'm feeling better now. Maybe hanging around with crazy people helped a little. School was exaggerated. About the swine flu thingy. Don't really feel like elaborating on it though. Maybe some other time.

Something seems to be wrong. Very wrong. But i can't seem to put my finger on it. I've got a feeling, a hunch maybe, that you've been reading my blog, and that you're reading it now. By "you" i believe that if you're the person i'm referring to you'll know that its you. I pride myself for my "sixth sense" sometimes, and sometimes i just hate it. Sometimes i just wish i was a lot more insensitive.

Anyhow, if i'm right and you really are reading this. Please, do me a favour and just, i don't know, take me as a friend. Anything that could make you stop avoiding me. I mean, you could take me as a girl for all i cared. I'm not asking for much you know, all i'm asking is that you take me as the normal guy or girl you know in school. Nothing more.

I've gotten over it, and maybe it's your turn now.

Let me, please

I screwed up today. I couldn't stand the name being repeated over and over again in my mind. Couldn't stand sitting in front of the computer acting like i was having fun but in actual fact my insides were turning themselves all over.

If not for MY, i would probably have broken down right then and right there in my room, if i stayed in it any longer. So ya, thanks MY. I'm feeling better now, or at least i hope.

I guess what MY said was right. At least we can still be friends. Maybe that's good enough for me. 

Wishful thinking, wishful me.

So thats it i guess.

I know i shouldn't feel sad, since it didn't begin in the first place.

But somehow, i am. 

It sucks, really. 

Big time.

I could come up with a dozen of reasons.

Out of which i would know none are true.

I wish i hadn't asked. 

So that i could continue hoping, wishing, that one day, it will happen.

Addicted?

Been playing so much games lately i suddenly feel so guilty. I don't know why i'm doing this, but i know i'm not addicted for sure. Maybe its to distract me from thinking of stuff that i shouldn't be thinking about, or maybe i just don't want to study. Either one of the reasons, i think i should stop playing games. At this rate i'm going, i just may not be able to clear my As with decent result.

--------------------------------

I just found out that she's attached. I mean, it sucks, because somehow that means that i should keep my distance. But the thing is, it's really hard. Everyday in school i try my best to act as normal as i can, staying a good distance away from her, because i don't want her to know, don't want her to have even the slightest idea. Ironic isn't it, i try to stay away from her only because i don't want to scare her away. The feeling is terrible. Too terrible.

Bleh. Forget it. I'll go start mugging about now.